I have had friends and family say things like, "woah Jade, I've never seen this side of you before!", "you're scaring me a little bit" and even a "you're being really sensitive!" Daniel's favourite is "don't poke the bear!"
I'm just finding it really easy to voice my opinion...or "rant"...whatever you want to call it. I find myself getting really frustrated at little things.
In fact, just this morning I went a little crazy on the kids for tracking so much mud into the house...combined with the whining, it kind of put me over the edge! It really sucks though, because I know that when I am riding the top of the crazy emotional roller coaster, it just sets them off too, and then everyone in the house gets whiny and grumpy. I see that...I know that my emotions affect theirs and that if I would work to calm down it would make my life easier, BUT, that's easier said than done lately.
Sometimes I think I'm actually going crazy, because I can go from frustrated yelling to sobbing within minutes, and I'm never even sure what it is that set me off. If I annoy the people around me half as much as I annoy myself, then I can just imagine how happy (and relieved) everyone will be when I have this baby! LOL.
The rage and the crying are one thing, but I find that I'm also SUPER anxious about things that I'm normally pretty chill about. You should have seen me the day the girls had a field trip to the ski hill. All of the other moms were getting kids suited up and sending them down the hill on their skis, and I was like, "they are all going to fall and break their LEGS!!! AAAAH!" Of course, for the sake of the children, I didn't actually say that...but I'm sure I looked a bit like a crazy woman to the other moms.
Or the days that we flew to and from Phoenix. Everyone else in the family was so excited to be on the airplane, and thought every part of it was so cool. Then there was me, who was using every ounce of energy not to burst through the cockpit door, look the pilot in the eye and say, "my BABIES are on this airplane...you better be SO careful! I mean it!". There was even one point when we were at full altitude where Myka said, "mom, look! Another airplane!" and sure enough, there was another plane in the distance. I had never seen that before and of course, came up with every irrational possible outcome in my head and drove myself even more crazy.
All of that being said, I have found a bit of a silver lining in this whole experience. Because I tend to be more sensitive and experience every emotion to the max, I tend to get sentimental more often.
I find that when I'm singing worship songs while I drive, I feel closer to God than I ever have. I get into these really deep worshipful places where it feels like God is just right there, sitting beside me. When that happens, I feel more at peace than I normally do...I feel so centred, so blessed...it's really hard to describe, but I hope that it continues after I have the baby. I think of some of my best blog post ideas during this time...things about God that I want to shout to the world, but by the time I get to my laptop, it's gone :) But the bottom line is that He is GOOD. So so good.
I also find that I stop and stare at my girls more often. Not in a creeper sort of way, but in a marvelling sort of way :) I sit and marvel at how different they are from each other, yet each completely amazing. I find myself daydreaming about what this baby will be like....will she be similar in looks or personality to any of her sisters? We have one blond haired, blue eyed girl out of four...I wonder if this one will keep her blue eyes too?
In the same line of thought, I tear up just thinking about taking our first family picture with all five girls...I already feel completely blessed, yet completely terrified at the idea of it all. It's going to be so exciting, yet the jump to five children from four seems like a big one to me!
And so, I'll take the emotions that make me into a raging hulk right along with the ones that make me feel like a classy, self-controlled and loving mother. And for the next 6 weeks I'll do my best to laugh as much as I can because really, laughing feels so much better than growling :)
Oh, and P.S.: I'm very sorry to all of my friends and family who I have made cringe lately :) I really do love you all!